The Firsts and Lasts

Mom's do you remember.......

how big your belly was?

how uncomfortable pregnancy was?

how excited you were to meet this new little one?

the pain of childbirth?

how quickly the pain was forgotten once you saw their little face?

the newborn baby smell?

the sleepless nights?

the many firsts........

first steps

first words

first tooth

first haircut

first day of school

first sporting event

first date

first dance

first heartbreak

first day of driving

first job

first car

first day of college

We make a point to remember these firsts, they are etched into our hearts like golden treasures, we write them down in baby books and journals, we post pictures and brag on social media about them. But what about the lasts? You know those moments that are on the other end of this motherhood journey, what do we do with those? The moments that pass you by and in the moment you never knew they were part of the lasts? The moments no one really talks about, takes pictures of or posts to Instagram, these moments that just come out of nowhere and when you realize you are in the midst of them your heart will ache and tears will flow, these moments will make it hard to breathe when you realize what they really are, ......the lasts

last night rocking your baby to sleep

last bedtime story

last bottle

last night tucking them in

last time having to carry them as they are fast asleep from their car seat to their bed

last band-aid to fix the owie

last stroller ride

last Christmas concert

last time walking them to their classroom

last time volunteering on their school field trip

last sporting game

last school photo

last lunch packed in their cute little lunch kit

last time cuddling on the couch with you during a movie

last time driving them to wherever they need to go

last day of grade school

last day of childhood

last night they sleep in their room in your home

Today was one of those lasts for me, times by two. I have twin boys and today they turned 18, and yesterday was their last day of childhood.

I've done this before, twice, having gone through this with two older kids. But this time it is hitting me hard. Two by two they came into my life and two by two they turned into adults.

18 years happened so fast. I heard it for years, the days are long but the years are short, enjoy every moment, time flies. Yet tonight I sit here and wonder where did all that time go. Did I do enough, be enough, say enough, love enough, was I a good enough Mom? Do they have enough good memories to cling to when life gets hard? Are they prepared enough to step out into this great big world on their own? Are they equipped enough to handle what life on their own will throw at them? Oh, the thought of them leaving breaks my heart, I am not ready for this, I need more time and yet I have had 18 years to prepare.

18 years ago I was overwhelmed by the two tiny newborn babies placed in my arms, tonight I am overwhelmed by a heavy heart as I try to navigate letting go of those two baby boys that stole my heart and as quickly as they moved into our lives, soon will leave this house to make a life of their own.

It is a bittersweet time, to watch them grow and create their own path. They no longer need me as much as they did before, my role is changing. This process of the lasts began long ago, long before I noticed. And maybe I didn't notice the lasts in the last moments as they unfolded, maybe that would have been too much for my heart to bear in the moment and now I look back and see them as bittersweet memories. They once needed a lot from me and slowly over the years as they learned independence, they needed far less of me, it just hits my Momma heart all so suddenly.

The reality of the empty nest is just around the corner for me. All I ever wanted to be was a Mom, and now as they require less of me, I realize I have built my identity on being a Mom, and in some weird way I feel like I am losing myself as my children one by one, two by two in this case, grow up and move on.

But wasn't this always the goal? To raise them and set them free? To watch them spread their wings and fly? The end goal of all of this was never to cling on for dear life, but to give them roots and wings to spread wide and let them be all who God created them to be.

To live with open hands, they were never mine to keep, but mine to love and guide, to grow and let go.

This isn't the last day for me to be a Mom, I know that. But it is a major end to a big part of my life. A friend who has walked this journey told me I am no longer a Mommy but I now become a Momma.

I like that

They will still need their Momma, but not in the Mommy sense anymore, it's not going to be the same and the transition process for me as Mommy to Momma is a difficult road to travel.

These lasts will drive a Momma crazy. They will send you into a tailspin of sadness and despair. So I am not going to focus on the lasts, I am going to remember the treasure of the firsts, for there are many more firsts to still be had to add to the treasure box. They just look a little different now. The lasts focus on what my Mothering heart stands to lose, the firsts focus on the joy of the achievements and goals they will continue to make.

I have a sign in my house that says "Enjoy the little things in life for someday you will realize they were the big things". The little everyday moments are what life is built upon. They are the moments that make this ride worthwhile, the firsts and the lasts and everything in between.

This is the first day of their adulthood, they have an entire future ahead of them, and this is the first day of my new Momma role with them.