Hello Darkness My Old Friend

I had a visit from an old friend last night. It was unexpected, came out of nowhere really. I was caught off guard, I was pretty sure I called this friendship off years ago, other than a brief run-in a few months ago it had been years since we were together. Yet she seems to think she can continue to pop into my life unannounced from time to time and her presence is utterly exhausting.

We met many years ago, I was naive, let her into my life slowly, actually, she kind of pushed her way in on her own. It started off as a visit here a visit there and then became an everyday occurrence. She took up a lot of my time, kept me from other things and people in my life. At first, I thought it was normal, but then I knew she had way too much control over me.

We went everywhere together until there came seasons where we went nowhere together. My home became my prison, she became my prison mate. She taunted me, made fun of me, lied to me, manipulated me and controlled me, determined where I went and who I talked to, she controlled it all.

Yet there was a sickly comfort here for me, she became my crutch, when life was hard and people were hard to face she was my excuse as to why I was so disconnected, why I didn't want to go places, why I didn't want to talk to people. She was the reason why I couldn't do things and there was an unhealthy dependence on me using her as a cop-out. It became all too easy to fall back instead of fight to put myself out there.

But it was also debilitating, often her attacks would come late at night when no one else was around when there was no one else to defend or stick up for me. Our battles became more than I could take. I began to fear the nighttime, I was worn out and ragged and I wasn't sure how much more I could endure. I sought professional help, I was medicated in order to deal with her, when I tried to erase her, she always found another way to get back in. The meds I took briefly covered my distress of her but it wasn't long before she would find another way to torment me and I'd be back in the doctor's office.

She was tearing my life apart and I didn't know how to fight it anymore, in fact, there wasn't any fight left in me, I was completely exhausted. A majority of this struggle was done in secret, few people knew the battle, I hid it well. Her control over me few saw.

I made a new friend in this time, a friend who spoke words of life and love and healing. Totally opposite from what I had ever experienced in all these years. It was so refreshing. He encouraged me and gave me the tools to rise up and fight back.

And fight back I did

I decided enough was enough, this wasn't a friendship at all, I had been lying to myself just because we spent so much time together and she knew me inside and out, didn't make us friends by any means. It was time to break off the chains of this relationship, break down the walls I thought protected me but instead kept me a prisoner. She came knocking on my door as she often did, but I didn't answer. She fought tirelessly to weasel her way back in, the lies in my head were deafening, but I continued to fight back, making the conscious effort to get back up every time she found a way to knock me back down.

I had to work at it day in and day out. To renew my thinking and ditch the lies I had been believing. To hang on to the hope that I was made for more than this, I deserved more than this. I had to pull myself out of my comfort zones to grow in the uncomfortable to take the abnormal and find a new normal.

It was an uphill climb and I relied on my new friend for strength and encouragment. I knew He had the ability to help me and He was able to free me from this harmful union.

Eventually, she gave up. The calls stopped, the late-night visits stopped. The paralyzing fear of wondering when or where she would attack me next; left and there was a peace that filled her void.

She moved away, I never heard where she ended up, but I do know she made new friends, and I have come to know some of her old friends as well and they have very similar stories to share as I do. Stories of shame, betrayal, hatred, anger, and sadness. Her path of destruction continues and though I am happy to have her out of my life, I feel for those who currently battle her.

I don't hate her, she taught me a lot about life, she taught me a lot about myself. She has created a way for me to better relate with others. But the peace I have experienced since her departure has been sp profound. I let something go in order to gain something more, something that I never thought was ever possible.

So you can guess my surprise when she returned out of the blue. I was certain she left for good, so her unannounced visit last night was a shock to say the least. I felt all the old feelings coming back, my body did things it only does when she's in my company, racing heart, shortness of breath, panicky. Signs of an unhealthy union.

My first instinct was to blanket this feeling, trying to figure out what could I take to suppress her, scrambling to come up with something to mask this I realized that I had nothing on hand. I would have to fight back.

So I prayed

I didn't pray for God to take her away but asked for Him to give me the strength to endure her, to weather the attack and the courage to keep going. I prayed that she wouldn't stay, that her visit would be brief, and that she would no longer have any power or control over me. I prayed that I would no longer believe the lies she tried to plant in my head and that I would cling to the truth of who I really am.

It took a while, but she eventually left. The next morning I was still shaken up and uneasy but I was confident she wasn't here to stay. Maybe she realized I was no longer an easy target, maybe she didn't know all the work I have been doing to become mentally stronger, maybe she had not heard of my new friend who was guiding me in this journey.

I have no doubt this won't be the last time she comes around, in the past just thinking about her return would cause me to freak out, but it no longer does. I am at peace, I know my ties with her have been severed and for now I walk in the freedom of that. Whether or not I may have to seek help again I don't know, I won't waste today worrying about what tomorrow brings and I choose to live and enjoy this current freedom.

For those of you who are caught up in her, I am sorry. She is relentless, she is defeating, she is paralyzing, but I do know there is hope, there is relief and there can be freedom from her. Some of us will battle her forever, some of us will have seasons with her or moments in time, some of us will experience run-ins with her here and there and then nothing for the longest time. We will all experience her company at some point in our lives, whether daily or momentarily, however you end up meeting I urge you not to allow her to take over and to never believe the lies she tries to plant in your mind. And to remember there is hope, hope for peace in the battle for your mind.

For those of you who may not know her, her name is Anxiety, and my new friend who walks side by side with me through all of this, his name is Jesus.