Eve of 44

(Pic of Me and my Mom many years ago.....)

Tonight I sit here on the eve of 44 looking back over the last year. This number is surreal for me, and although technically it actually happened 6 months ago, it is the physical turning of the number that makes it more hauntingly real

Tomorrow, God willing, I will officially out live my Mom

I’m not afraid to grow old, I look forward to birthdays. Every number is a gift and I hope I gain a face full of wrinkles and whitest of white hair in my old age . But to have outlived my mom messes with me. Messes with my thought process. It’s not something I ever thought I would have to deal with but tomorrow I will.

She never got an eve of 44

She saw 43 1/2 and then she was gone

43 1/2 feels like a rip off

I am older than my Mom, it's the strangest, surreal thing, its hard to wrap my head around it. I feel young yet I used to think she was so old, and now I am older than she ever was

When I look at this past year, I realize I have had so much growth in my life. Especially in the last 6 months. God has revealed so much to me, so much of what has held me captive has been freed. So much of what I have held onto for years was lifted off of me at 43 1/2

So much worry has been turned to worship

So much tension has been turned into trust

So much pessimism has been turned into praise

So much fear has been turned to freedom

So much panic has been turned into prayer

So much grumbling has been turned into gratitude

So much anxiety has been turned into trust

So much doubt had been turned into deliverance

My prayers are bolder My faith is stronger My heart is more open to the brokenness of others around me My soul is acutely aware of the ache of another soul Strongholds have been broken off All in the last 6 Months

What if I never made it to 44. Would I have experienced this? Did she ever get the chance to meet with God? Did she ever find healing for her wounds, glue for her broken pieces, and hope for her future? I’m not sure But what I am sure of is I won’t waste it I won’t waste the time she was never given I won’t get hung up on the petty stuff I won’t waste my time on menial things And I won't waste it on pretend This life is too short to pretend I'm something I am not, to hide my shame and brokenness is to deny the healing power that Christ offers.

I want to live life authentic and real There’s no time for fake Fake never heals, fake leaves me stuck, dormant, unable to grow

It’s the broken down burdened souls my heart is seeking Those stuck in the trenches. Not sure how to break free Afraid to show their wounds and share their fears As I look back I wonder if that was her? A burdened soul who never got the chance to truly seek freedom and healing on this side of heaven Signs suggest to me she struggled, with a lot of the same things I do So I fight I fight in hopes for a different outcome I fight for the things she never experienced I fight for my physical health, my mental health and my spiritual health I fight to be real so others may find healing through my struggles I fight knowing one day I could very well face my end sooner than I want but to know that I fought the good fight will help me rest a little easier

On the eve of 44 I am grateful for my journey. I am grateful that I haven't spent the last few years battling for my life, only to lose it at 44 My heart aches at all the experiences she missed out on, so I will walk into 44 with a mission to make her proud and live 44 and beyond to its fullest.

A birthday is a gift, another go around the sun

Here's to 44