Lies you Believe

Debunking the lies you tell yourself to justify

your rationale for leaving

The days can be long and dark and so dreadful this time of year. Perhaps you have thought about leaving.......for good. My dad left.......for good, 10 years ago and as one of the many "left behind" I'd like you to hear from my perspective the truth of the lies you believe and what is left behind when you decide to leave

Lie #1- They'll get over it

I'm sure you have thought about this, but your loved ones will grieve your loss. But what I doubt you have thought of is the heart-wrenching ache they will go through. The countless sleepless nights, the pain of the heart so intense they think they need medical attention. The countless times they will play it over in their heads "why" and never ever getting the answers they desire to help them heal. The grief for a loved one who has passed from suicide is nothing like the grief of a death from an illness or old age. It's a grief that haunts, its a grief that cripples with no answers and so little understanding. It will never pass for the ones left behind, it will leave deep scars on their heart and in their soul. Your memory and their pain intensifies during holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, they will NEVER get over your loss.

Lie #2 - They will move on-in time I will be forgotten

Cleaning up after a loved one's death is beyond words. In my case, I didn't have to clean up my Dad's actual body per-say but I did have to help clean up his affairs, sort out his belongings, arrange a funeral and somehow let his grand-kids know he was never coming back and why that was. It was all so messy and so hard. I'll never forget the look on their faces when we broke the news, this mess travels down the generational lines. You may not have kids or grand-kids, but I bet you have siblings or friends and count on it, it will be messy for them. Some of them may go through a form of PTSD, some of them may turn to drugs and alcohol to help cope or numb the pain, some of them may need mental health counseling and or medications like antidepressants. Some of them may refuse to talk and bottle it up and damage their relationships and build toxic mind patterns because they never will learn how to cope or heal. No matter how this plays out, it leaves a long trail of mess and confusion, like a messed up puzzle where none of the pieces ever fit right anymore.

Lie #3 - They are better off without me

Being "left behind" I can attest to the great deal of confusion I experienced. You see this is never how I pictured life would be, never in a million years did I think I would have to bury my Dad who died by suicide. "Was it something I did, something I said, could I have stopped this, why didn't I see the signs?" are all questions of confusion I have asked myself over and over and over. On many occasions, I have wished he was here, how I miss his laughs and hugs and his playful nature with my kids. His presence or lack thereof does not go unnoticed. No one benefits when you leave, you may be telling yourself that, perhaps you believe you are a drain on society or your family, but what if I told you that wasn't true, your mind is clouded, you are experiencing deep pain, maybe fear, maybe also loneliness, no matter what it is that you are facing right now, leaving benefits no one. It is way more harmful to those left behind than you can imagine, no one is better off without you, not one.

Lie #4 - It will never get better - I will always feel this way

l don't know what you are going through, I don't know your circumstances, but I do know this pain you feel, this troubling time won't last forever. But once you leave, you are gone forever and your loved ones will without a shadow of a doubt feel that pain forever.

My Dad's life was in complete chaos, one of his stresses was no work, his whole life he worked hard, he prized himself on his job and providing for his family, but he had been out of a job for quite some time and the bills were adding up very quickly. The stress of not being able to provide and looming threats of repossession played a part in his reasons to leave. He saw no way out. Ironically less than a week of him being 8 ft under he got the long-awaited call to go back to work. Had he waited, I truly believe this story would have had a much different ending. Things can change so fast, never make big life-altering decisions when you are depressed, stressed or emotionally spent. Consult others, ask for help! The burden of your decision to leave is a lot heavier and much worse than the burden of you asking for help.

Lie #5 - Time heals all

Obviously, if you have been reading up to this point you would know my stance on that. Time does not heal all, time passes but it does not heal. Those left behind learn to move on, scarred and never the same. I'm 10 years "left behind" and still not "healed", and I am not anticipating that I will ever fully heal from this.

Lie #6 - No one cares

Someone somewhere does care, (yes there are people who love you whether you believe that or not) but let's say no one does (which I highly doubt that is the case) someone in your future definitely will, picture yourself in the future playing games with your grandchild and think "I thought about leaving all those years ago" you'll realize that that little person sitting on the floor with you would care, he wouldn't be spending this time with you, he wouldn't have a grandpa because grandpa left years ago. There would be a void in his life because he never got the chance to meet you and spend time with you. That is just one small drop in the bucket in the grand scheme of how your presence will not go unnoticed. There will be many along life's path that will care whether you are here or not. You have been created with a purpose only YOU can do. The world needs you, someone, somewhere really does need you, someone is depending on you to be here. Don't take the gift away that only you can offer to the world.

Lie #7 - I can never fix this - there's no other way

Everyone screws up, EVERYONE. Seeking forgiveness and healing is a long rough road, but there is much to be gained on that journey. Everyone is worthy of love and life. Maybe you are depressed and even the task of getting out of bed is too hard for you. Reach out to someone, call someone, find a support group, fight like hell to keep going. Whatever you are doing now might not be working for you, keep trying,!! You will eventually find something that will help you move through this pain, but know that it will take time. There is no easy fix or solution, change takes intentional time on your behalf. Fight for yourself! There is so much help out there, please utilize it. In your present frame of mind you may see no other way, but in a week, a month, a year from now the path could be that much clearer. The road to healing can be long and hard, but I urge you to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Don't listen to the lies you tell yourself. As one of the ones left behind I assure you that you will be missed, you are loved, you are needed, things will get better and you will come to a point in your life when you will be so thankful you did not follow through on your plan to leave.

*suicide prevention hotline*

The new Canada Suicide Prevention Service (CSPS), by Crisis Services Canada, enables callers anywhere in Canada to access crisis support by phone, in French or English: toll-free 1-833-456-4566 Available 24/7

Crisis Text Line (Powered by Kids Help Phone) Canada Wide free, 24/7 texting service is accessible immediately to youth anywhere in Canada by texting TALK to 686868 to reach an English speaking Crisis Responder and TEXTO to 686868 to reach a French-speaking Crisis Responder on any text/SMS enabled cell phone

https://www.crisisservicescanada.ca/en/

Call 1.833.456.4566 | Text 45645