Walking on Water in Faith

I have always been very open about my battle with my mental health, yet it is intimidating to write about my faults and struggles. I want to be real, I don’t want to wear a mask of pretend and lead others to believe I’ve got it all figured out. News flash, I don’t. I know many struggle with the same issues that I do, It has become so prevalent, we need to support one another and encourage one another, and if by me sharing benefits just 1 person then I believe all this intimidation I feel will have been worth it.

This is my story, my journey, and it will look different for each & every one of you who struggles with mental health issues. My words are not to diminish your battle, I’m not a doctor, or a counselor or any sort of professional for that matter. I'm simply a human being currently trying to navigate life and I’d like to share what this battle looks like for me personally and to share the work that God has been doing in my life.

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Before the end of last year there was a stirring in my soul, God was at work and I sensed him saying……. It is time

"Time for what" I asked

"Time to get out of your boat"

It is the middle of winter and I don’t own a boat?

But I knew what He meant, He meant my antidepressants. They are my boat. He was calling me to step out of this boat and truly heal.

I wrestled with that for a while, until one day I heard the truth, a phrase I knew was true but didn’t want to accept the reality of it, hearing it out loud made it all too real for me

"Rhonda, you’re numbing yourself"

I wasn’t upset at my husband for saying this, I was upset because I knew it was true.

Turns out I do own a boat after all, a boat of safety and comfort, where my feelings and emotions never come in tidal waves for I am securely anchored to the shore, I am secure with my medicine.

There’s a saying that says a ship in a harbor is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for.

This boat of my dependency on antidepressants is not God’s best for me.

I want to do great things for Christ, but I don’t want to leave the safety of my boat.

God wants me to be anchored to Him

This boat is safe & secure. For many years it has carried me through life’s hurts, trials, losses, & disappointments. He is showing me that now my boat is old, and old boats wear out and crack, and if I stay in this boat I will spiritually drown.

This boat is comfortable and pretty predictable, but it is no longer God’s best for me. It has become an obstacle for me to feel deep, raw emotion, to fully be present in my mind, it is an obstacle to hearing God’s voice.

Jesus stands with outstretched hands and calls to me, it is time…..come

Stepping out of my boat meant it was time to be medication free. That was a really scary thought for me, it has become my crutch, my safety net. I know my emotions never get too high, I know my emotions never get too low, I’m kinda floating in the middle and it is safe there, that’s what my meds do for me.

However, I am not truly alive there, and inside I knew part of my mind was numb, to hear it spoken out loud made me angry to face the truth and I tossed my pills in the garbage, all of them

The next day I pulled them out again

That evening I threw them away again

And in the trash they stayed

(In hindsight that was a really reckless and dangerous move on my part. I do not recommend this at all! There’s a process involved when coming off your meds and I could have caused some serious damage. I highly recommend seeking your doctor’s supervision!)

Defying so many odds, I have had zero side effects.

Had Jesus not have been standing on the water outside my boat, I would have been crazy to get out and walk on water alone in my own strength, that would end up in me sinking like a rock, yet he called me to step out in faith and trust Him.

Jesus stood outside this worn-out boat of mine and & said “Come”

In faith, I climbed out;

- I prayed

- I asked others to pray for me

- I’m learning what it means to spend abiding time with Christ

- I’m reading my bible more consistently

- I’m making exercise a priority

- I’m learning to fuel my body better

- I'm learning about ill mental health issues and solutions for a sound mind

- I’m keeping my eyes focused on Jesus

He’s calling me to set sail, he will calm the raging sea if I keep my focus on Him

The waves of life are unpredictable, the wind is strong, the water is rough. There’s a really good chance I could sink. When the storms of life come & I know they will, I know that God is in control. There is always the possibility I could sink, but I know I won’t drown, He will be there to pull me up, He is still faithful

There’s the chance I may sink but there’s also a really good chance I could walk on water

Miracles won’t come to me if I stay in the boat.

In Matthew 14, when God calls Peter to walk on water, the story focuses on the fact that Peter sank. Yet I look at this story and think, Hey this guy stepped out of the boat when Jesus called Him, defying all logic and reason he put his faith in Jesus and for a brief moment Peter experienced a miracle, he walked on water! Yeah it didn’t end up so well but Jesus did catch him, and he’ll catch me too.

The other 11 guys in the boat just sat there, they never asked Jesus to call to them, they just sat there. If there’s 1 thing I know, I know God did not call me to a life of avoiding failure, he did not intend for me to merely survive my life, but He wants my life to thrive

I fear failure

I fear looking like a fool

I fear disappointing others

I fear showing emotion, like I can’t keep it all together

I fear next year I may be back on antidepressants

I fear I heard wrong

Yet I choose to trust and I am choosing to embrace my fears, they mean I stepped out of the boat. In doing something that I am not capable of doing in my own strength, I’m walking in faith, I am being obedient, I’m fully relying on the power of the Holy Spirit to see this thing through.

I don’t think my failure could be defined by if I do sink, I think if I never follow God’s prompting, if I never step out onto the water if I don’t climb out when he calls me too, to me that would be a much bigger failure.

For me, my medications were a band-aid solution, I don't believe they were meant for me to be on for life, they served a purpose to help me survive and cope when I just didn’t know how.

I am not defined by anxiety and depression, they are not who I am. They are symptoms of a much deeper issue. My meds have masked this issue.

I don’t have depression because of a chemical imbalance, I have it because of something that has happened in my life and the meds have helped me cope.

Over the years my brain would lead me to believe my meds weren’t working. I would feel symptoms coming back, but I’ve come to learn that what was really happening was the underlying issue was trying to get my attention & instead of trying to work on that I would change my meds, up my meds or add additional meds, which would cover my symptoms for a time until eventually my brain would find another way to get my attention.

My depression is not a disease

That is an incredibly freeing statement for me!

It is part of life’s ups & downs, a signal from my body that I need to change something and take action. I’ve had to walk through some really hard things in my life that broke my very being. Slowly God has been rebuilding me. Like a smashed clay pot, over the years the pieces have been glued back together to make me whole again. It has been a long and slow process. But I believe I was never fully capable of dealing with it all at once, so He’s been working on me bit by bit, piece by piece.

I read somewhere that the Japanese repair broken pots with expensive gold, showing that the fault lines are beautiful and strong. God is the gold repair lines in my broken pot. Being damaged is a part of my story, it is not the end of it.

• I am being intentional with taking my thoughts captive, learning to identify toxic thought patterns & change them

• I am learning to embrace my emotions, just because I feel sadness or cry doesn’t mean I should be ashamed of that

• Emotions are a normal part of being human

• I am learning to be resilient and strong, to process my anxiety and fear, to really work through the emotion before it spirals out of control

None of this is easy, It would be much easier to stay seated in my comfy boat & just drift.

But I don’t want to miss out on God’s best for me. I want to experience joy, and experience it abundantly, I don’t want my emotions to continue to feel numb and flat-lined.

True joy is a fruit of the Spirit.

Joy is rooted in God and therefore I have confidence in His truth that regardless of my circumstances and struggles, I can have abundant joy.

I can’t see the whole picture

I don’t know the final outcome

I don’t even quite know what the root issue in my mind is that I am supposed to be working on. I’m walking in faith, one step at a time. I have to keep my eyes on Him, He’s calling me to greater things. He has a plan & He is more interested in my character than my comfort. He is more interested in seeing me become who He designed me to be than making life easy for me.

Everyone has a boat of their own, whether it be drug addiction, porn, overeating, gambling, drinking, binge watching t.v., compulsive shopping, your boat is your crutch, what you lean/depend on to get you through. I have had different crutches through different seasons and in this season my crutch on my medications is my boat. Getting out of the boat will look different for everyone but I believe if I respond to the call of God, I can walk on water and I can experience the power of God at work in my life.

I am fully anticipating the work that God is going to do in me.

I’ve seen God move, he’s moved some mighty big mountains in my life

And I truly believe he’s going to do it again

(This journey began in January 2019, currently I am 11 months in, medication free and still navigating the root issues of my depression and anxiety. I'm not ready to say I am completely healed, but I can honestly attest to feeling more alive than ever before, and I know He will calm my raging seas as long as I keep my focus on Him and continue to walk in faith)