Choose to Stay

Hello my name is Rhonda and I am a suicide survivor, but not in the way you may think.

10 years ago my world changed forever, life as I knew it or envisioned it would never be the same. I went to sleep only to be awakened in the middle of the night to 2 RCMP officers at my door telling me my dad was gone, I heard those words and nothing else. They stood at my door talking, my head swirled, their lips moved, but I could not make out what they were saying. The room became blurry and I honestly remember nothing else about that night, other than excruciating heart and soul pain.

For months I lived in a complete fog. Looking back I don’t remember a lot of how I coped or walked that out. You see nothing in the world can prepare you for the loss of a loved one to suicide. That night I too died, the Rhonda I knew, was no longer. The family I knew, was no longer, the future I knew, was no longer. So many emotions come from a tragic loss such as this, denial, anger, remorse, regret, unforgiveness, hatred, bitterness, disbelief, darkness, confusion, feeling of abandonment, uncontrollable sadness, heartache and a pain so deep you question your own reasons to stay.

My grief has been a long process of many, many times making the choice to get back up. No matter what, get back up. I may feel useless, I may feel sad, anxious and depressed but I choose to get back up, every time. There is no quick fix and I've come to accept the scars on my heart will always be there, they are what makes me.....me, they are the people and experiences that ripped my heart wide open, but have slowly healed with the scar of reminder that this life is short, I am not in control, there is a greater plan that I cannot see, I live in a broken world, full of broken people... where I myself have been broken beyond recognition

10 years ago my Dad chose to leave, and in those 10 years he has missed out on so much, yes he’s missed on much pain but he’s missed out on so much joy. So much happiness and abundant joy that he just couldn’t see that fateful night 10 years ago. weddings, births, family get together's, graduations, new jobs, new opportunities, hugs from his grandchildren he never got to meet, birthdays and so much more. I know if he could have seen beyond that day, beyond his pain, beyond his shame, beyond his circumstances, beyond his current darkness he would have chosen to stay.

To have lived this out in the last 10 years I feel like a survivor in some way. I’ve survived the worst trauma I have ever experienced, it broke me but God is continually putting the pieces back together for me. I am one of many, who have been left behind to pick up and carry on. I’ve survived the stupid questions and callous remarks from people who really have no idea what it is like to be the one left behind trying to navigate the abrupt loss of someone so close in such a horrific way. I have survived anxiety, depression and my own thoughts of leaving. I have survived the loss of what I thought life should have looked like at this point in my life I have survived the darkest day of my life and daily am still navigating this loss and the cold hard truth that some part of me will always feel like an orphan

However God is my redeemer and when I called out to Him 10 years ago he showed up. He has shown me how to love deeply and experience abundant joy, He has set a fire in my soul, and granted me with a peace that really does transcend all understanding, He’s given me reasons to hope, trust and persevere. He’s renewed my soul, my mind and my heart. He’s growing my faith daily, shown me what it means to love wholeheartedly and He’s given me deep empathy for those struggling in the darkness. 10 years ago when my very being died I chose to stay, and because of that I think it makes me a survivor.

If you doubt your existence - I urge you to stay.

If you cannot go on - I urge you to stay,

If you hurt so much you want out - I urge you to stay.

If your life feels like a complete tailspin - I urge you to stay

If you feel so utterly alone, feeling like no one understands you - I still urge you to stay

There are brighter days on the horizon, I promise. You cannot see them now, but they are there. Trust me, as the one of many left behind - brighter days will come

I know what it feels like to lose all hope, I know what it feels like to be broken and I know what it feels like to want to end it all. My heart aches that he didn’t choose to stay and I miss him with every fiber of my being. I cannot change what happened 10 years ago, but I can help bring light to the dark, I can share my story in hopes that it may reach someone who is hurting and in turn I hope they choose to stay. I can use my voice and help erase the stigma of mental illness, and I can keep his memory alive, his actions were not him.

God can redeem the lost, hurt and broken. He can restore what looked unrestorable , he can bring good from bad. I am a survivor and living proof of that there is beauty for ashes. My Dad was a good man with a big broken heart who didn’t know any other way out.

There is a way, choose to stay ❤️